For years psychotherapist Niro Feliciano tried to do everything at the holidays: host gatherings, write cards, shop, decorate and prepare special treats — all while raising four children and working. Trying to create picture-perfect celebrations left her exhausted and emotionally distant. One Christmas morning she was so worn out she could barely stay awake while her children opened gifts. She remembers thinking, ‘I’m not here. I’m missing this.’
That realization became the catalyst for her new book, All is Calmish: How to Feel Less Frantic and More Festive During the Holidays, published in November. The book is full of practical, mindset-focused strategies to reduce stress and increase enjoyment. In a conversation with Life Kit she outlined several simple shifts you can try this season.
Choose three moments to fully experience
You can’t be fully present for every activity. Pick up to three events that matter most — a concert, a morning with the kids, a family dinner — and aim to be completely present for those. Let other tasks be ordinary rather than perfect.
Reframe obligations as opportunities
Swap ‘have to’ for ‘get to.’ Seeing holiday duties as privileges — ‘I get to make cards,’ ‘I get to see family’ — softens pressure and can increase appreciation, even for routine tasks.
Remember that traditions are optional
Many rituals feel mandatory, but they don’t have to be. If a tradition drains you instead of delighting you, let it go, simplify it, or try it a new way this year. Skip mailed cards if they feel like a chore and put that energy toward what actually excites you.
Reassess expectations
Pay attention to the expectations you hold for yourself and others. If the holidays consistently leave you disappointed, it may be time to adjust those expectations. With multiple people together, stress and disagreement are normal; they don’t erase the moments of joy.
A little planning and a few mindset shifts can help you protect your presence so you don’t miss the parts of the season that matter. Feliciano’s approach is permission-based: give yourself permission to do less, to prioritize what matters, and to be where you are rather than frantically trying to be everywhere.
The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib, with art direction by Beck Harlan. Send voicemail to 202-216-9823 or email [email protected]. Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, sign up for the newsletter, and follow @nprlifekit on Instagram.