Pyotr Trofimov (name changed) had been in Germany only three weeks when he learned his father had died in St. Petersburg. He had planned to stay in Moscow until finishing his Ph.D. and only look for work abroad after graduating, but Russia’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine forced him to move unexpectedly to Bayreuth. With direct flights suspended and a return ticket costing thousands, he could not get back for the funeral.
Trofimov enrolled in postgraduate studies and was still finding an apartment and navigating bureaucracy when he received the news. He arranged to see a psychologist within hours to cope with the shock, but says the grief could not be resolved quickly. Emigrating, he learned, had already emptied his emotional reserves; losing a parent while cut off from home compounded the pain.
Estimates suggest between 650,000 and 1 million people left Russia after the war began in early 2022. Many left believing any absence would be temporary and could not have imagined that returning might become dangerous or prohibitively expensive. For a significant number, that has meant facing deaths of loved ones from afar, without the chance to say goodbye in person.
Therapists who work with Russian expatriates say the bereavement often begins the moment people leave. Olga Harlamova, a rational-emotive-behavioral therapist in Munich, says emigration itself brings multiple losses: jobs, networks, social status and a sense of safety. When a relative dies against that backdrop, emotional resources are depleted and grieving becomes harder.
Polina Grundmane, who founded the Sweden-based support NGO Without Prejudice in March 2022, cannot return to Russia after being threatened with detention. Both of her parents died within three months of each other in early 2024 and she was unable to attend either funeral. She describes feeling instantly orphaned and admits that, in some moments, she wishes she had never launched the NGO because it cost her those final goodbyes.
Grundmane is candid about the limits of time: she says understanding facts intellectually isn’t the same as processing grief, and that some losses may never be fully overcome. For now she protects herself from further collapse by exercising, keeping up therapy and caring for her children, whom she sees as a continuation of her parents until she can return to Moscow and grieve more fully with her sisters.
Not everyone is blocked by cost or logistics alone. Alexander Slavin, a video producer who relocated to Belgrade in March 2022, could not travel to his grandmother’s funeral because his name appeared in a database tracking anti-war Russians who left the country. He continues to imagine returning to find his family unchanged, and still struggles to accept her death.
Therapists offer practical ways to create mourning rituals when attending funerals is impossible. Harlamova suggests writing letters, praying, displaying photos, holding small memorials or planting a tree as ways to mark loss and build a sense of closure. Such acts can help people acknowledge the death and integrate it into their lives.
Experts also recommend practical conversations before a crisis: discussing end-of-life wishes with family can reduce intrusive anxieties and make decisions easier later. Grundmane suggests even using humor to broach these topics so they feel less overwhelming.
Mental-health professionals warn against self-blame, which can give a false sense of control — as if one’s actions could have changed the outcome. Harlamova advises allowing the full range of emotions and giving grief space: crying, talking and receiving support activate regulatory systems in the body and help processing. For those supporting someone in mourning, the best response is often to listen, offer presence without hurry and allow the bereaved to lead the conversation.
Feeling empty at times can be part of moving out of acute grief and toward rebuilding. Acceptance does not mean the pain disappears; many describe grief as a chronic condition you learn to live with rather than a problem you ever truly solve. Still, ritual, honest conversation, slow processing with professional help, and the presence of family or friends can make that living-with possible.
Edited by: Carla Bleiker