For much of her adult life, psychotherapist Niro Feliciano tried to do it all at the holidays: host gatherings, write cards, shop, decorate and prepare special treats — all while raising four children and working. Her efforts to create picture‑perfect memories left her exhausted and disconnected. One Christmas morning she was so tired she could barely stay awake while her children opened presents. “I remember thinking: I’m not here. I’m missing this,” she says.
That moment led Feliciano to write All is Calmish: How to Feel Less Frantic and More Festive During the Holidays, published in November. The book offers practical, mindset‑based tips to reduce stress and increase joy. In a conversation with Life Kit she shared several simple shifts you can try.
Pick three moments you want to be present for
You won’t have the time or attention for every holiday activity. Choose up to three moments that matter most — a concert, Christmas morning, a family dinner — and aim to be fully present for those. Let other tasks be less than perfect.
Change your perspective
Swap “have to” for “get to.” Framing holiday tasks as privileges rather than obligations — I get to make cards, I get to see my family — can soften pressure and increase appreciation.
Remember, everything is optional
Many traditions feel mandatory, but they don’t have to be. If a ritual doesn’t bring you joy, let it go or do it differently this year. Skip or simplify things like mailed cards if they drain you, and redirect energy toward what excites you.
Evaluate expectations
Notice the expectations you hold for yourself and others. If holidays often leave you disappointed, adjust those expectations to be more realistic. With many people gathered, some stress and discord are normal; that doesn’t erase the moments of joy.
A little planning and a few mindset shifts can help you show up for the parts of the season that matter most. Feliciano’s approach is about permission: to do less, to choose what matters, and to protect your presence so you’re not missing the very moments you hoped to enjoy.
The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib, with art direction by Beck Harlan. Send voicemail to 202-216-9823 or email [email protected]. Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, sign up for the newsletter, and follow @nprlifekit on Instagram.