The first time Vivian Tu got “financially naked” in front of her partner — a term she uses to describe brutally honest conversations about money — it was out of desperation.
She was just starting her career on Wall Street and living in a roach‑infested New York apartment. She used her savings to break the lease and asked her new boyfriend whether she could temporarily stay at his place. It was a chance to be real: “I have no money. I am broke. I have nothing.” That openness strengthened their relationship and they eventually married.
Tu now runs Your Rich BFF, a media company that teaches people about finances. She says couples should talk about money as soon as possible. It’s one of the topics in her book Well Endowed, which offers advice to young people making big financial decisions like marriage or starting a family. “People think love is enough. It’s not. You need to actually know you can build with this person,” she says.
Tu recommends being vulnerable about money just as you would about other parts of a relationship. Below are the financial questions and conversation approaches she suggests at different stages.
Dating: start with fun prompts
You can start talking about money on the very first date. Do it playfully: ask, “If I gave you $100,000 to plan a perfect two‑week vacation, what would that look like?” Someone who wants to climb Mount Everest and someone who wants to lounge in the Maldives are very different. Fun money conversations make it easier later to ask practical questions like, “How much do you make?” which matters if you plan to move in together.
Before exclusivity: learn about goals and habits
Ask about career dreams, homeownership plans, whether they want to live in the same place long term, or if they might move back to their hometown. These topics guide the relationship’s trajectory and ensure you’re on the same financial page.
Also watch spending habits. If someone earns modestly but regularly buys designer goods or parties every weekend, ask where the money comes from and whether they carry credit card debt. This “data‑collection” period helps you decide if the person fits your life and what compromises you might make.
Bringing up debt without awkwardness
Instead of directly asking, “How much debt do you have?” offer your own context first. Say something like, “I might be on a tighter budget next month because I’m making a large student loan or credit card payment.” That opens the door to ask, “Do you have any credit card debt? Are there months you might feel tighter financially that we should plan for?”
Moving in together: be transparent
If you’re moving in, you can no longer avoid these conversations. Rental applications require bank statements, proof of employment and income. Talk about what you make, what you have, what you owe, and your monthly expenses. If you cover those four areas ahead of moving in, many future conversations become easier.
Marriage and financial infidelity
Before planning a wedding, address financial infidelity — hiding purchases or accounts. We shouldn’t be hiding bank accounts or credit cards. Everything should be out in the open; if a partner isn’t comfortable with that, it’s a conversation you need to have.
Combining finances
Tu recommends a “yours, mine and ours” approach: keep individual accounts, be transparent about finances, and agree to put a percentage of your income into a joint account to fund shared expenses. This balances autonomy with partnership.
Ongoing conversations for long-term partners
Keep setting goals together: How big a family do we want and what will that cost? Where do we want to live long term? Do we plan to move closer to aging parents? Life changes — having one child instead of two, a job move, or caregiving needs — all shift the financial calculus. Money conversations are not one‑and‑done; they’re ongoing check‑ins about whether you’re a good match financially and whether you make a good pair.