Pyotr Trofimov (name changed) had been in Germany only three weeks when he learned his father had died in St. Petersburg. Had Russia not launched its full-scale invasion of Ukraine, he said, he would still have been in Moscow and could have traveled to the funeral. Instead, the war upended his plans and forced a sudden move to Bayreuth.
Estimates suggest 650,000 to 1 million people left Russia after the invasion began in early 2022. Many did not plan to stay abroad long-term and could not have imagined returning home would become risky. For some, that meant facing a loved one’s death without the chance to say goodbye in person.
Trofimov had been a Ph.D. student at Moscow State University and intended to look for work abroad after graduating in 2024. The war accelerated his departure and he enrolled in postgraduate studies at the University of Bayreuth. When he learned of his father’s death he was still settling in, searching for housing and navigating bureaucracy. Direct flights between Russia and Germany were halted after the war, and a return trip would have cost several thousand euros, he said.
He scheduled a meeting with a psychologist within hours of the news, which helped him cope with the initial shock, but he emphasized that grief cannot be instantly overcome. “You can’t just snap out of it,” he told DW.
Olga Harlamova, a rational-emotive-behavioral therapist in Munich, said Trofimov’s loss actually began with emigration. “The loss begins with the very act of emigration. Often, we don’t realize it, so we don’t go through the grieving process,” she said. Emigration can mean accumulated losses: employment, social circles, status and a sense of security. When the death of a loved one occurs against that backdrop, coping becomes far harder.
Polina Grundmane, founder of the Sweden-based psychological support NGO Without Prejudice, also cannot return to Russia after launching the group in March 2022 to help Russian speakers affected by the war. She said she was threatened with detention if she returned, and so could not attend funerals when both her parents died within three months of each other in early 2024. “My parents were everything to me. And in an instant, I was left an orphan,” she said.
Grundmane said she sometimes wishes she had never started the NGO because it cost her the chance to be with her parents at the end. As head of a psychological support organization, she is candid: time does not heal everything. “It’s possible to not get over a loss. I haven’t gotten over mine,” she said. Her mind understands the facts, she added, but processing the grief further would “destroy” her now. She hopes to begin processing when she can return to her Moscow apartment and reunite with her sisters. For the moment, daily exercise, therapy and her children help her cope. “I see my children as a continuation of my parents,” she said.
Farewell rituals can help create closure, Harlamova said. Alexander Slavin, a video producer who moved to Belgrade in March 2022, could not fly to his grandmother’s funeral a year later because his name appeared in a database tracking anti-war Russians who left the country. He still struggles to accept her death and often imagines returning to find his family unchanged. Harlamova suggested that writing letters, praying, displaying photos or planting a tree are all valid ways to say goodbye when attending a funeral is impossible. The key is finding an action that helps you come to terms with the loss.
Grundmane recommends open conversations with family about end-of-life wishes to reduce intrusive thoughts and anxieties. Discussing what to do if a loved one dies — even with a touch of humor — can help.
Experts warn against self-blame, which can give grieving people the illusion of control: “If it’s my fault, I could have changed everything,” Harlamova explained. She advises allowing the full range of emotions and giving grief space. Crying, talking about experiences and receiving support activate the nervous system’s regulatory mechanisms and aid processing.
To support someone grieving, Harlamova said, don’t rush to give advice. “The most important thing is simply to give space to that pain. Sometimes you can just sit quietly beside them and hold their hand.” Feeling empty can be a sign of moving out of acute grief and toward rebuilding. Acceptance does not mean the pain vanishes; as Grundmane put it, grieving is similar to addiction: people don’t get cured, they learn to live with the condition. The pain may never fully go away, but people learn to live alongside it.
Edited by: Carla Bleiker