The first day I returned to work after parental leave, I sat at my desk, logged on — and quietly sobbed until my first meeting. Guilt about leaving my child, anxiety about restarting my job and the stress of juggling both roles felt overwhelming.
Transitioning from “worker” to “parent” to “working parent” can be a shock, says Amy Beacom, founder and CEO of the Center for Parental Leave Leadership. Parents are often “learning two new roles fast, under a lot of pressure with lack of sleep, zero guidance and zero support,” she says.
That’s particularly true for mothers. The United States is the only industrialized nation without federal paid leave, and a 2012 report found 1 in 4 women go back to work within two weeks of having a baby. I was fortunate to have several months of paid, protected leave, but returning was still a major adjustment.
Whether you’re about to go back or already have, there are ways to set yourself up for success, Beacom says.
Make work work better for you
Too often, returning parents assume schedules are fixed and don’t ask managers for what would help. But many employers want employees who are happy, engaged and supported — and may be willing to accommodate requests.
Beacom suggests planning ahead:
– What would a good first day, week and month look like? If possible, propose a reentry plan to your manager before leave so everyone is prepared.
– Schedule a brief check-in with your employer while you’re on leave to stay aligned and ease the transition.
– Consider returning mid-week so you can ease back in, clear your inbox and ramp up the following week.
– Negotiate your schedule: small shifts in start time or working different hours (for example East Coast hours) can make commutes and childcare logistics easier.
Often workplaces are only as flexible as you ask them to be. Find ways to make work fit your life.
Let “good” be “good enough”
Once you’re back at work, you may even find your job feels more manageable. Brain researcher Darby Saxbe, author of the forthcoming Dad Brain, says parenting’s added complexities can make people more disciplined and efficient.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy. If you’re overwhelmed, allow yourself to lower standards. “Don’t expect you’re going to be amazing at everything,” Saxbe advises. There are no rewards for perfect baby food or late-night email marathons.
If you must take on more, be intentional. Reshma Saujani, CEO of Moms First, urges parents to distinguish needs from “gold stars” and assess how much pressure is self-imposed versus unavoidable.
Cut yourself some slack. Parenting changes the brain and body to meet caregiving needs, and research suggests it can take anywhere from a few months to two years or more to feel fully like yourself again. “Respect that this is a transformational time,” Saxbe says. “Be patient with yourself and recognize that you may not be 100% for a while.”
The digital story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is CJ Riculan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email [email protected].
Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and sign up for our newsletter. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit.